A Review of Two Solid Techniques for Preventing Serious Problems: STOP, BREATHE, FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY --- AND --- TAKING TIME OUTS

   Today, we are going to talk about what are probably Two of the BEST Ways to Avoid Violence-Type Feelings, Thinking or Behaviors

 First, let me ask you a few questions (Feel Free to Chime In).  What would you do if:  

>>>  What if you and someone else about a bout to get into a fight; but you don't want to??

>>>  Let's say: you know a person is in an abusive relationship.  And you want to help her.  What would you do to the person abusing her?  What if her partner challenged you to a fight?  How would you hand it?

>>>  If you are planning to start a job tomorrow at a place where lots of people are confrontive on a regular basis?  And the first day, someone confronts you?  What would you do?

>>>  What If your partner and you had just not been connecting lately; and they started up an argument with you about something that could spell the end of your Relationship; what would you do?

>>>  What if you got into an argument over your place in line with a stranger who jumped in front of you; and you decided to just walk away.  But he turned around and started insulting you?  What would you say?

For sure: NOW's a Great Time for either (or BOTH), a STOP, BREATHE,

 FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY ---  

 and / or --- Take A TIME OUT!!!     What-da-ya-Think???

  When I'm not sure if I need a time out; then this technique helps me clear my mind enough to where I can decide wisely whether to take a Time Out; or whether to simply do this Stop, Breathe and Focus exercise and just move forward.  
  If violence is already happening.  Or if I am really thinking about doing some violence, then it is definitely time to take a Time Out.  
  Otherwise, Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely can help me handle the situation in a constructive way.  I can do this in the same room or in a different room.  I just need to get away from the scene to a safe place and then focus on something other than the conflict.
  In many cases, such a break could be a Time Out.  However, if it is not that bad; then one can do a pretty simple, easy-to-do exercise that helps them relax and adjust their thinking such that they feel a whole lot more in control of their self; while feeling a whole lot less of a need to continue to try and not necessarily WIN the conflict.


Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely:

(Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely) can be done in as little as 15 minutes.  Here is how you do it:

  • Stop --  Stop Talking -- Stop Arguing -- Stop trying to Prove Something.  Stop doing what ever I am doing, get alone for a moment -- if needed.  Or just sit down if possible in the same room or preferably in a different room or building and  (Stop, Shut yourself up, Sit Down, and Start Breathing -- slow, deliberate deep breaths).    You coulld stay in that room where the argument was taking place -- and listen to the other person until their anger is gone; but only if it's safe to do that.  
    • Or if needed, go away to where you can feel peaceful.  Be by yourself for a few moments..  Listen to yourself.  It's kind of like meditating.  If you cannot leave the room where the problem is taking place, then at least sit down and shut yourself up.  Stop talking.  Stop reacting.  Focus on you.  What are you thinking?  Listen to the situation a little, but don't let it get to you.
  • Breathe --  Breathe deeply (close my eyes if I need to), get into a nice comfortable posture, feeling your body, feeling your senses, body relaxed.  All my weight on my but.  Breathe deeply – in slowly and out slowly (feel my blood cells in my lungs becoming more oxygenated, and let that flow up to my brain and it makes me think more clearly at that moment).  This can help me make better decisions..  
    • Focus --   Focus on your breathing.  Focus on relaxing your body.  Focus away from what ever has been happening that has you so frustrated.  Focus on what I am facing.  The reality.  The pain.  The Anger.  The Fear.  What am I afraid of?  And what are the Possibilities (bad or good)?
      • Relax --   Relax some more. Focus on breathing some more.  Relax for a few more moments…….  Take it easy….  Take some more deep breaths.  SLOWLY.  Get out of a hurry of the stress in that was in that other space.  No hurry.  Take your time.
      • Reflect -- Reflect on what I would like to have happen for me right now or in the near future.  How would I like for this situation to resolve?  Continue to Relax and Breathe as you do this -------   
        • And Reflect on what I would like for this moment or for my life to be remembered for as I get older.  Do I want to be remembered as someone with Violence-type problems, Violence convictions etc...?  Or do I want to be remembered as someone who really cared for people and cared for myself, and showed it by doing the right thing(s) such as Stop, Breathe and Focus; rather than fighting?  
        • Disengage from the Craziness in that other space.... (Stop chasing the solution with that other person for right now.  Just focus on yourself.)
      • Re-Focus --  Now, Re-Focus on what I need to do right now to feel better.  Do I need to take a Time Out?  (Remember... Sobriety is also a must in these situations.).  
        • Think: "What -- if anything -- has to happen right now?"  
        • Does anything really need to be done right this minute?  
        • Is this an emergency?  Probably not.  
        • Or can it wait for just a little while, or few days or weeks?  
          • Keep breathing deeply, Relaxing, Focusing...  
        • What can I do to turn this into a situation that works for me?  
        • And how does patience help me right now?  
          • Keep doing the deep breathing.  Keep doing the right thing.
      • And Then Choose Wisely --  Choose what you need to do right now (if anything).  Choose something that will BOTH prevent any more bad feelings regarding this situation right now; Or something that will help you address the situation in a way that is non-threatening, peaceful, respectful, helpful, and a win-win solution for everyone.  
        • Or be patient until you have such a solution.  
      • (Then when you present a solution to the other person -- be sure to first: Listen to what your partner is saying; and also remember that as you speak about your ideas, you must be flexible).  
        • And always continue with patience.

         ---------------------------------------------------

      Taking Time Outs:

      Taking Time Outs can be A Great Tool for Helping Keep Potential Violence Victims from Being Harmed; And an Effective Tool for Helping Keep A Potential Violence Offender from Becoming A Violence Offender.


        Did you ever wonder what is basically going to happen when a Police Person intervenes in a Violence Dispute and finds that either; a Violence-related crime has happened; or that a Violence-related crime is about to happen?  
        In such cases, perhaps a Time Out is about to happen.  Either that Police Person is going to recommend that one or both parties involved in the dispute take a Time Out.  Or that Police Person is going to require that one or the other of the parties involved has to take a time out.  
        If the Police requires a Time Out, then someone is probably going to get arrested and charged with a Violence-Related Crime.
        Question: Do you need for a Police Person to come along and give you a Time Out when one is needed?  Or can you take a Time Out on your own when one is needed?
        But who really needs an arrest when they could just do it themselves....???


        When Should I Take A Time Out?
        If one begins to think about committing violence, is thinking thoughts or feeling feelings that could lead to violence of any kind.  Or if one has a history of losing their temper and one is about to lose their temper; it is time to take a Time Out instead.  
        One should be aware of his or her Red Flags that might indicate that one could be at risk of becoming violent. 
        When one feels Cues telling him or her that they are truly starting to feel like doing violence or feeling that one may soon be unable to control one's self, then it is definitely time to act.  It is time for a Time Out.  

        How does One Take a Time Out?  
        Ideas on How to Take a Time Out in order to Prevent Violence are readily available.  For Example, Author and Family Therapist, Dr. Richie Cole (1993) suggested that things one should do include (These lists below are Paraphrased and Edited for inclusion): 

      Things to do when Taking a Time Out:
      • 'Say you're taking a Time-Out and/or give the Time-Out hand signal -- or just walk away -- as far as you can go.
      • Immediately leave the place you're at without getting caught up in any further argument or explanation.
      • Try to make sure you're positioned near an exit so no one will be in your pathway. Remember, if you push anyone on the way out, you've been physically abusive and might get arrested or even a bigger fight.
      • Go away from the place you are and do a relaxation exercise or some physical activity that will not reinforce abusive actions in order to initially deal with your adrenaline rush.
      • Make a buddy contact with someone (like a close friend) who is also working this stuff. (This means you should have phone numbers in a few different places and always in your wallet.)
      • Try not to Call or Text anyone at first; but if you feel people who are peaceful mgiht be worried about you, you could call or text them after about 30 minutes to let them know you're taking your Time-Out and that you're not doing something destructive to yourself.  Remember, at this point, you don't really need get caught up in a conversation or talk about the matter at hand.
      • Tell them you are taking your Time-Out and that you'll call them in a few hours.
      • Notice if you need to do another relaxation exercise or some activity to deal with your physiological state.
      • Do a control log analyzing your behavior. Don't examine the provacitor's behavior.
      • Think about how you want to non-abusively deal with the situation. You may need to road-map the situation (make a plan on what and how to do what ever is needed to be done (someday in the future if needed).
      • Make sure you stay away for at least four (4) hours since the adrenaline pump won't fully abate for at least that amount of time.  And if your potential foe is still there, don't go back anyway.  If you need something there; have someone else pick it up.
      • When the time is appropriate perhaps you could call the person you were having words with  see if she or he is open to having you return and to deal with the matter at hand in a non-violent way. If they are, you can return and deal with the matter in a non-abusive, assertive and empathic manner. Only return or talk about the issue at hand if they are trustworthy and they also want to resolve things peacefully.
      • If the red flags reappear take another Time-Out.

      Things to NOT do when Taking a Time Out: 
      • 'Never try to give the other person a Time Out.  She or he needs to make that decision for themselves.
      • Don't give any parting shots, insults, threats or poor me-type signals.  Just leave.
      • Don't act abusively toward anyone.
      • Try not to make this into a moral situation where you determine that she or he is wrong and you are right.  Instead, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am doing that is not working for me in this situation.
      • If there is a small child around, DO NOT Bring Them into the argument -- whatever you do.
      • Don't drink alcohol or use drugs or engage in other addictive behaviors.
      • Don't do any behavior that will reinforce violent actions at that move, Such as, martial arts, boxing, batting practice, shooting weapons, etc.
      • Don't return to the scene too early.
      • Don't get caught up in an argument on the phone with the person who you were about to fight.
      • Don't interact with people who will reinforce violent and controlling thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs with that person.
      • Don't ever think that you're above and beyond a Time-Out.

      Now: What do you do when?  And which should you try first?  Think about it?




      Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.


      And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.        

      (Originally Posted, June 7, 2021)

      (c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)


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